Blokes corner
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Pfizer Corporation and Pepsi Cola Merge
This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future…!
The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........ Oh my God! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through". The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."
Cheers  John C
I'm a guy, she's single... She lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything?"
I replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen is tough sometimes!
Cheers  John C
Subject: Nudist Beach
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nudist beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:
"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Cheers  John C
  The Morning After...A few thoughts on beer
 
  "Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth

"If all you had to look forward to was sleeping with Lady Bird you'd stay drunk too."
Lyndon B. Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Horning

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
H. L. Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!
W. C. Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers (TV Sitcom), Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Cheers  John C
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
 The operator says how do you know?
 He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
  .......................................................
 I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
 I said "You're pulling my leg" 
...........................................................
 I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
 They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
..........................................................
 A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
 The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from? You sound English".
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
 "What do you do, just across the Severn?".  
 "I'm a taxidermist."
 "What on earth is one of those?"
  "I mount animals."
 "Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us."
.....................................................
 I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. 
.....................................................
 My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet. 
...........................................................
 What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
 One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction. 
.............................................................
 An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too
...........................................................
 Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my back side! Do you think I should change dentists?   
............................................................
 A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.
  .....................................................................
 The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back
Cheers  John C
Somewhere in Ireland a teacher asks her class:
"Can anyone tell me the name of Robin Hood's girlfriend? "
Young Paddy raises his hand and says, "Trudy Glenn Miss”.
"No Paddy ," says the teacher. "The answer is Maid Marion ".
But Miss, what about that song we used to sing:
“Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding Trudy Glenn”.

You’re singing this as you read it aren’t you
Cheers  John C
Johnny still being helpful.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe ?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty !' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'who is our Lord and Savior ?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in her rear.

'Jesus Christ !' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..

The Nun asked her a third question... 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child ?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'if you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half !'

The nun fainted!

Cheers  John C
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now, wot da fxxx would you say?'

Cheers  John C
13 of best (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. Murry Mexted, New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4.. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god!! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

13. During a West Indies v England Test match, "Jonners", the legendary Cricket commentator stated, "Good evening to those viewers who have just joined us, the Batsman's Holding, the Bowler's Willey"

Cheers  John C
ALERTS TO THREATS IN EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie' this weekend!" and "The barbie' is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Cheers  John C
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips and gets her head jammed between the railings.
Quick as a flash, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!
He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"
Elton bursts into tears.
"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!!"
Cheers  John C
Three men awaited execution by firing squad in the condemned cell, from which the site of their forthcoming ordeal could be clearly seen.

The first, an Englishman, was taken out and stood against the wall.
As the firing squad raised their rifles, he suddenly shouted "Avalanche!" at the top of his voice. The soldiers looked about in alarm, threw down their rifles and turned to run. Taking advantage of the momentary chaos, the Englishman scuttled away as fast as his legs would carry him and escaped.

The second condemned man a Scot, seeing the success of this ploy, when his turn came shouted "Flood!", with exactly the same highly successful effect, and off he scampered.

The third man, an Irishman, impressed by the initiative of his colleagues, determined to follow suit. As the rifles were raised and fingers curled around the triggers, he shouted "Fire!'…

Cheers  John C
Truth and 5 Rules of Life

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cheers  John C
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember his/her name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.
AND MY PERSONAL FAVOURITE...
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Essex Girls

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four..
One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily,
"I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
Cheers  John C
EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.
A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes and it won't matter to you,....... how about a shag before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bugger off, you filthy old bastard!”
He shrugged and turned away, saying “Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........
 
£289,000 Mortgage

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Johnny told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £289,000 mortgage and no f----n' bike.
Cheers  John C
Pub Signs!
Cheers  John C
Whilst strolling round the Harbour this morning about 11 am., I noticed this character shouting "Allah be praised" and "Death to all infidels" and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible British citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard, the
Immigration Office and even the Fire Dept.
It is now 4 p.m., the terrorist has drowned, and the authorities have yet to respond.

I'm starting to think I wasted four stamps.

Cheers  John C
Scottish PM

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
" You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”
The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
" My God, what happened to you ?" asks Nicola.
The chauffeur replies : " When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."
" What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.
" I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow."
Cheers  John C
YOUR DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Cheers  John C
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch.
When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions"
"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
Cheers  John C
Why I’m Divorced?

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'
I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'
I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'
I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?' He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'
After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.
He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there.... On the couch...... Naked!!!!!
Cheers  John C
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the nice male pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.
Cheers  John C
Lovemaking Tips For New Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbours are deaf, too
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!
10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .
'OLD' IS WHEN.. 'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN..... 'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the car park..
'OLD' IS WHEN... An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
'OLD' IS WHEN.... You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

Cheers  John C
Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really buggered up now."


A SHORT, BUT BEAUTIFUL, LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f**king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
This is alarming & scary stuff!

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
a) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
b) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 10 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
c) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1. Argued over nothing
2. Refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3. Gained weight
4. Talked excessively without making sense
5. Became overly emotional
6. Cried for no reason
7. Couldn't drive.
8. Failed to think rationally
9. Believed someone was talking about them, and
10. Had to sit down while urinating
No further testing was considered necessary!!

Cheers  John C
Have you read the book ?

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be THE Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The f***in' funeral director would be my first guess.'
 
Nurses aren't supposed to laugh . . .

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out anyway. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's privates, she composed herself as well as she could.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied. She ran out of the room.
The End is Near.............

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready
he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.""
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they didn't realise his extensive holdings and as Doug slips away, the nurse says................
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? ....................he had a flippin' paper round!"
Cheers  John C
True Friendship
This guy brings his best buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade..
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.
Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Cheers  John C
A teacher asks the kids in her class the following question:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a millionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an infinite Visa Card, and all the movement making love to her, just like a loose door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . .
"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."
A man goes into Waterstone’s book store and asks the young lady assistant:
"Do you have the new book written especially for men with small penises? I can't remember the title."
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."


Cheers  John C
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office
But she belonged to someone else...One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. '
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for £200, and if you pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.!!

1960's Ad - Cheers  John C
Subject: MAN JOKE

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in Casualty.
When I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it..........
Never saw her once.

She still hasn't come home yet. I'm starving.
Cheers  John C
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published bycourt reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , Where am I, Cathy?
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do..
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

 
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Cheers  John C
A Xmas Story
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 
Some Thoughts
I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age, I don't really give much of a rat's ass anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered.
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the hell is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant; the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . ..
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I POSTED THIS MESSAGE BEFORE . . . ??

Cheers  John C
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"
She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

Cheers  John C
THIS MAY BE A "little" DIFFICULT FOR ALL WHO ARE OVER 40 ...THOSE YOUNGER THAN THIS WILL HAVE NO HOPE AT ALL.

DEMENTIA QUIZ
FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?

ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION, BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?

SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~


ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE:
THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.
DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR.
TRY IT.

TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!
TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?
MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...

FOURTH QUESTION: MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:

1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4.. NONO, AND ??? 2 WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!

OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,
I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~

PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
HAVE A NICE DAY, ONE AND ALL.
Cheers  John C
TAX AUDIT
A hospital was being audited by an agent from HM Revenue and Customs. While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Cheers  John C
Nymphomaniac Convention
A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent..
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
Cheers  John C
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly, "Wow, she's fat!”
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!" The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
This time the mother gave him a good telling off and told him to be quiet..
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue. Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"
Cheers  John C
Hard to imagine a highly paid admin officer agreed to this ....incredible
Cheers  John C
So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow.
Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.
"Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?"
"Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow.
"Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!"
"Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.
As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true).
"Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters.They can spot me from a mile off."
Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!"
"Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that."
"Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?"
"Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off.............
"Just follow the yellow-prick toad!"
Cheers  John C
Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does!!! Cheers  John C
 
Her New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank Christ for that ! - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never even heard the gunshot.

Cheers  John C
Blondes Again

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee-shirt.
'Why are you wearing a 'Thank God It's Friday' tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt. I
thought it meant 'Tits Go In Front.''

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said,
"We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of
someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!”
Cheers  John C
CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Cheers  John C
I FEEL SAFE AT HOME

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.
Sex insurance
Just like you can get insurance for cars, property, sports etc, you can now get insurance for sex!
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having. To assist, please find a list of companies catering for most tastes:
a). Sex with your wife - Legal & General.
b). Sex on the telephone - Direct Line.
c). Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.
d). Sex with someone Different - Go Compare.
e). Sex with a lady of generous proportions - More Than.
f). Sex On the back seat of a car - Sheila's Wheels.
g). Sex with a prostitute - Commercial Union.
h). Sex with your maid - Employer's Liability.
i). Sex with an OAP - Saga.
j). Sex resulting in pregnancy - General Accident.

. . . . . . . . . finally

k). Sex with a transvestite - Confused.com

Make sure you are adequately covered!
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?
What's wrong?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where?’ he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'
Cheers  John C
IRISH MAN IN THE ELEVATOR
A Skinny little white Irish man gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big black guy sees the little Irish man staring at him. He looks down at the Irish man and says:”7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"
The little white Irish man faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big Black guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him……The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little Irish guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"
The big dude says,"Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my balls weigh 3 pounds each...and my name is Turner Brown"
The little white Irish man says: “Turner Brown?….  O’h Jesus Christ........ I thought you said, "Turn around!"
Cheers  John C
Talking dog:
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks,
"So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10 !! But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

Cheers  John C
Subject: Chinese Torture
Be Velly Bluddy Careful not to offend Chinese!!!
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.
He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard.
"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflictupon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.
She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.
Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone, but during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear.
Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read,
"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."
He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read:
"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.
Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read,
"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Cheers  John C
A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."
Cheers  John C
I got stopped for speeding yesterday !!
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COPPER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT !!
Cheers  John C

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £30 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ‘My god, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.
Cheers  John C
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van
when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

Cheers  John C
I had to forward this to the people I know who are interested in the latest Health news.
This is the correct method for blood pressure check for all men above 60 years of age.
Medicine has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.
Cheers  John C
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for The very first time. The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me On sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.
The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare Laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some Floe resant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down And I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I aint gonna wear no panties...
What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief. The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties cos, honey, dey always look for da black box first'

Cheers  John C
Understanding the complex topic of Static Electricity..
Cheers  John C
In light of the Bradley Wiggins British success in the Tour de France recently,  I thought you would like to see a rare photo I have of the 1940 event!!!!!!!.


 
Because it is Black & White, it is difficult to spot the yellow jumper......

Cheers  R  C
The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armoured booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.
Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.
You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement:
"Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on Flight 670 to London . Shalom!"
Maintenance, clean up at Gate 2, please.

BRILLIANT!!!!
Cheers  John C
As we each come to the realization that we have far more miles behind us than ahead of us, this is something we each should consider...

Dying With Dignity

I have already informed my family that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die with dignity. Therefore,  I have moved to the Dominican Republic so that I can spend my final years enjoying life and dying with Dignity!

Cheers  John C
 
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
Cheers  John C
Catholic Hairdryer
In parochial school, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advise that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
Cheers  John C

Cheers  John C
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
George replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________
'Mr Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bob myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to A & E, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?'
'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
Cheers  John C
God Bless Engineers!
Cheers  John C
Scouse vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor..

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, ? ?
placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Bristol, Romford, Birmingham and anywhere in Ireland.
Cheers  John C
A question that is often asked of someone with a new car is
"What will it do?"
The answer is usually something like "zero to 60 in 3.3 seconds," or something along those lines.

Well, here's the brand new 2013 Ferrari "458 Italia"
First, here's what it looks like:
Cheers  John C
And here is what it will do... 

Ted asked, "Now that you're older and retired, do you still have a job?"

Bob replied, "Yes, I'm my wife's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, he asked, "I beg your pardon, what do you mean by that?"
"Very simple. My wife said that when she needs or wants my fxxxxxg advice,
she'll ask me for it."

Cheers  John C
YOU HAVE TO LOVE HIM...A MUST READ... HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK
The Plan!


Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams........Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US, UK , CANADA , New Zealand and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US, UK , CANADA , New Zealand and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non-polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it.. or LEAVE... Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '

Cheers  John C
The Irish Furniture dealer
Cheers  John C
 
A heart warming story!

Not all E-mail has to be crude.
Now and then it is good to have one that is just cute and sweet.
THE STORY OF A LITTLE GIRL AND HER DEAD GOLDFISH
Cheers  John C
Too near the truth ........

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.
Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out
"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:
“What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.
But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”
David replies,
“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”
Cheers  John C
THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, ‘Oh suffering Jesus no; not me brother. He's a clueless idiot! ‘
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, ‘Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied: “Denephew.”
Cheers  John C
Irish ghost story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door....
Only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other....

Look Paddy.... there's that frickin idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!
Cheers  John C


Cheers  John C

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,
SLIM
TALL
BLONDE
38DD BREASTS
24" WAIST
and
36" HIPS.
Cheers  John C
GOLF AND THE COW
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
Cheers  John C
Subject: Barry's Winkie

Barry decided to propose to Sandra, but prior to her acceptance Sandra felt she had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.
She informed Barry that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much.
However, Barry felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.
Barry looked Sandra in the eyes and said, 'I too have a problem.
My winky is the same size as an infant and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.'

She said, 'Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size winky.'

Sandra and Barry got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Barry whisked Sandra off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another.

As Sandra put her hands in Barry's trousers, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Barry ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, 'You told me your winky was the size of an infant!'

'Yes, it is Barry said ... 6 pounds, 5 ounces, 14 inches long

Cheers  John C
The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn
Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:
Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:
Aisle, altar, and hymn.
She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:
Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.
She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

'I'll alter him!’

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
Cheers  John C
WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''

''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with breasts like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere!''
Cheers  John C
On January 9th, a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge . So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, got off his Harley, walked through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and said to the girl, "What are you doing?"
She said, "I'm going to commit suicide."
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-Harley-legend opportunity either so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After they finished, George got lots of approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why do you want to commit suicide?"
She responded, "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Cheers  John C
Help Ban Fox Hunting in Britain !!

Hopefully we can stop it. Please help ban fox hunting in Great Britain !

THIS MADNESS MUST STOP!!
Cheers  John C

Subject: Fw: Bull

I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.  I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him....but they taste a little like peppermint.
Cheers  John C

NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

Where did “piss poor” come from?

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.
And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...
if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence: a thresh hold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:
“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.
This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.
And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone!
Share these facts with a friend.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!
Cheers  John C
The difference between Officers and NCOs

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'
The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.'
The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly,
'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said,
'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?'
'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears.'
Cheers  John C

Cheers  John C
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:
"We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

Also up north, a man decided to wash his sports shirt. He opened the washing machine then stopped, thinking for a minute.
He shouted to his missus,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " Manchester United.”

My small grandson got lost in the new Liverpool One shopping centre. He approached a security guard and said, "I've lost my Granddad."
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
The child replied, "Granddad."
The guard smiled asked: "But what's he like?"
The little angel thought for a moment and then replied, "Cans of lager and women with big tits."

Cheers  John C
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his check-up, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head...

Cheers  John C
Mobile Phone Rudeness.
One of my pet peeves is the almost constant use of mobile phones by people while driving, shopping, dining and in line at the supermarket etc.

Doesn't anyone know how to say 'I'll call you right back' ?
Well, it has gone beyond that now, with them being used in relaxing getaway places like at the beach.
This is beyond being inconsiderate.
While on the beach recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this woman for at least an hour while she talked on her mobile phone and pranced back forth right in front of me, absolutely oblivious to what a bloody nuisance she was.

I hate that…..
How thoughtless and inconsiderate can you be?
I tell you, I almost got up and moved!!!
Cheers  John C
Tom was working in the garden this weekend and his wife was upstairs, about to take a shower. Tom
realized that he couldn't find the rake and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't really hear him and shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then he pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
His wife was a bit puzzled and again said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife indicated that she understood and signaled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her backside and finally to her crotch.
Well, there was no way in hell Tom could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, he went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replied,
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind – The Bush"
Cheers  John C
Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pakistani on top of the Eiffel Tower.

The American throws a load of money off the top, why did you do that? asks the others,
We have so much money in the States I can afford it says the American,
Ok says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the top saying we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it,

The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says ‘Don’t you fxxxing dare’
Cheers  John C

Cheers  Rich C
A glass of wine

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
and those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand:

As Ben Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or rum, whiskey or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of Shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
Cheers  John C
Subject: Busty Organist

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

Cheers  John C
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell. Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'
Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said, 'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'
Cheers  John C
Good Day and welcome to a brand new edition of

'ASYLUM'.
Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:
HIJACK AN AIRLINER
and win
A COUNCIL HOUSE !
We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes, courtesy of our sponsor,

The British Taxpayer.
And don't forget, we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play, provided they don't already hold a valid British Passport, and you only need one word of English:
'ASYLUM'
Prizes include all-expenses-paid accommodation, cash benefits starting at £180 a week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging, burgling and accosting drivers at traffic lights.
This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airlines, ferry companies or Eurostar.

No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:
'ASYLUM'
A few years ago, 140 members of a Taliban family from Afghanistan were flown Goat Class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted where local law enforcement officers were on hand to fast-track them to their luxury
£200-a-night rooms in the fabulous four star Hilton Hotel.

They joined tens of thousands of other lucky winners already staying in hotels all over Britain .......
Our most popular destinations also include the White Cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington Services area, in Historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules, don't forget, there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience
Just apply for legal aid.
Hundreds of lawyers, social workers and counsellors are waiting to help - FREE
It won't cost you a penny.
It could change your life forever.
So play today.

Iraqi terrorists, Afghan dissidents, Albanian gangsters, pro-Pinochet activists, anti-Pinochet activists, Kosovan drug-smugglers, Tamil Tigers, bogus Bosnians, Rwandan mass murderers, Somali guerrillas...the list is endless

EVERYONE IS WELCOME - INCLUDING ALL YOUR OWN WIVES AND CHILDREN
COME ON DOWN !

Get along to the airport ! Get along to the lorry park !
Get along to the ferry terminal ! Don't stop in Germany or France !

All European countries will willingly speed you on your way !
Come straight to Britain
And you are:
**** GUARANTEED ****
to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.
Everyone's a winner, when they play
'ASYLUM'
Cheers  John C
Gave the Mrs £2000 and told her to go and get her arse lifted like Kim Kardashien. The op didn't quite work out!!
Cheers  Rich C
Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a
passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and
started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
Cheers  John C
WINTER FUEL ALLOWANCE

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money the government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie (These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help!!!!!

Don't spend it all at once !
Cheers  John C
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened IF he had swallowed that little ball??
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else did.
Cheers  B C
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... The driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tons of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks "So what are you going to do this year?"
Paddy replies, "I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
Cheers  John C

Cheers  Rich C
Church Ladies With Typewriters.
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church
bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM- prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up:
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Cheers  John C
A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Cheers  B C
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Cheers  John C
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, What's your name?"
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians will tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f----g brick wall."
Cheers  B C
24 Hours to Live....

Man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realises that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
Cheers  B C
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on holiday.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,  in  obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the
ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work ?" she asked.

"It just worked on me," he replied.
Cheers  John C
Short, Sweet & True!!!

I dialled a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
A woman asks a man who is travelling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".
~~~~~
Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mum" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
Cheers  John C
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Cheers  John C
THE ORIGINAL SIN - NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TOP THIS CAPTION...
Cheers  Rich C
Revenge!
Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time .
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .
She was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the other old fogeys.
I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you mad? You 're almost 81 years old , and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !
Cheers  John C
Computers - in the beginning....
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was
known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began
And that's the truth.
Cheers  John C
Yesterday my wife said. "John, fix that drainpipe!"
Well, as you all know, I'm retired. I invited some of my friends over.
One brought his welder.
Took us about 4 hours, and 30 beers, but we got the drainpipe fixed and my welder mate gave it an artistic flair.
Wife is speechless...
I cannot wait for it to rain again!
Cheers  John C
Subject: SENIORS & COMPUTERS..........
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned...'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little ?$*@%.
Cheers  John C
My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, quickly undressed and we had the most amazing sex ever....
Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before
Cheers  John C
A Man's Random Thoughts:

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some woman who was snoring and farting, so I knew I'd made it home OK!

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could tell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered Wetherspoons serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh, bloody hell," I replied, "now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
Cheers  John C
Dad's reply

I took my dad to the shopping mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food hall.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting near to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....
"Got stoned once and shagged a parrot. Was just wondering if you might be my daughter."
Cheers  John C
Two businessmen in the centre of Weybridge Surrey, were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left."
Cheers  John C
Sign in Doctors Office

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in
doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads
This one should get First Prize...

I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician"


Cheers  John C
Nursing Home sex
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.
Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old coot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing old git!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
Cheers  John C
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a localstrip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Saturday
Cheers  John C

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming pools have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided;  if she can't hold down a job,  she's not for him.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
"I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
Cheers  John C

Hotel Guide
A friend went to in Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! . You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."
Cheers  John C
The language of love – text’n sex

The mobile phone texting function means that young people can communicate with each other almost incessantly especially when they are romantically involved.
But texting can sometimes twist the language of love out of shape and corrupt its meaning as one love-struck young secretary found out to her cost when she sent her new amour a passionate and poetic text message straight from the heart.
Her text message read:

My darling

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you.

Her beau texted back:
Am on toilet - please advise
Cheers  John C

Home Remedies: The tongue in cheek version

Try these amazing home remedies for yourself – they really do work.

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers "> simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. if it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40.. if it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Cheers  John C

Geography explained

Cheers  John C

Advice Required

Cheers  John C

The Cremated husband

An elderly lady recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him........

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the Insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."
Cheers  John C

Professor Higgins at the University of Bristol was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'probably golfing with his mates.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Cheers  John C
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers ....... so I did....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy

My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ......... and then I saw her face

I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..
Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders.
All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail.
I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years
Cheers  John C
Michelle Wie - pro golfer.
Matching lavender outfit worth $2000.
New pair of French sunglasses worth $500.
NIKE products Endorsements worth $10,000,000.
Cheers  John C
Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.
One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Stevie is really annoyed now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

The little bloke climbs on to the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............

"A jazz chord to say, I ruv you... "

Cheers  John C
A blonde teacher notices a boy on the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun, she takes pity on him and decides to speak to him  - are you ok she asks?
Yes he says
Blonde says you can play with the other kids you know
It’s best I stay here say’s the boy
Why? Asks the Blonde
The boy replies  - because I’m the xxxxxxxx goalie!

Cheers  John C
This woman looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, took a shave and got your hair cut, you 'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "go on then....try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Well come on, what day was I born"?
I said, Yesterday?"

***********
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cheers - John C
Love this humour.
The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?.........
"What.......You coming empty handed?"

Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with anotherr man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"?

Irish blonde...
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed."Yes!Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know-I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....but all men....are men!

Global Facts About Sex
At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

Cheers - John C
THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his tractor fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the ironmongers and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the farm shop and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the stop he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'

Cheers - John C
Couple banned from walking up the aisle

A young couple wanted to be married in the church, the priest told them: 'We have a special requirement for couples. You must abstain from sex before the wedding.'
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.
'You are back so soon...Is there a problem?' the priest inquired.
'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required period,' The young man replied sadly
The priest asked him what happened.
'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower.

‘The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible....anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts.
‘But on the third week, one afternoon my fiancé reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with desire and I just had my way with her right then and there.’

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'
'We know,' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either!'

Cheers - John C
Green Shoes at the Masters

Whether you like golf or not, these are AWESOME shoes!
Nike now markets Green Shoes, first seen at the 2012 Masters Tournament.

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