Blokes Corner (continued)
America tragedy

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
on and ran around screaming.

Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

Long Pause

Longer Pause

Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says,

'Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number ...

Cheers - John C
A woman died of Diarrhoea today after having anal sex with six men in a vintage car.
Police said it was a pretty shitty gang bang
Viagra have come up with a new pill - the 007
It doesn't turn you into Daniel Craig, but it does make you roger more!
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom…
'She's got a decent body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her way right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total Silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the Bloody dishes!'
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ....... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

Cheers - John C
Fifty shades of Grey

The missus bought a Paperback Down Mumbles, Saturday,
I had a look inside her bag; T’was “Fifty shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it, At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared; The sight filled me with dread…..

In her left hand she held a rope; And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor, And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago I might have had a peek.
But Doris hasn’t weathered well; She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind; Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse; She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet; A couple of minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and… Said….that I must dominate her!!
Now if you knew our Doris, You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like; Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought what the hell, stepped forward, And stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out; My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out: “Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more; About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair…. Turned “Fifty shades of Grey”.

Cheers - John C
We love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"


For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Cheers - John C

Going to Wickes - be prepared!
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to WICKES DIY and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom Tap.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that Bath Tap?"

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated Bath Tap and the price is £450.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness that is a very expensive Tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket." She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Madam, do you want a screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the Bath Tap.

This is why you can't send woman to WICKES.

Cheers - John C

Australian Ladies Beach Football - what is the attraction?

Oh Well  - that's just life !!!!

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound!
Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday below his esteemed portrait.
Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the bloody thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

"I have outlived my pecker."
The Penis Poem -- by Willie Nelson

A Honda mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Honda when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working on the Honda
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make £24,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic....

"Try doing it with the engine running."

DNA test required?

Cheers - E

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.
They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "congratulations"
but none of them rub your weapon and say "well done"?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.
I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked
"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.
It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b*****ks!!

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.
After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!

Cheers - John C
You gotta love him!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how
many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully...

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!SIR!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f****n' cat!!!
What’s the difference between Basil Brush and a Terrorist with a rucksack?
The Terrorist with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once.

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"
"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."

Cheers - John C
A mate of mine has just told me he's screwing his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandle, they claim they were regularly fisted and fingered by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week, both Sooty and Sweep claim they were so traumatized it left them speechless !!!
A married woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sex ,   the doctors replied ‘all we did was correct his eyesight’.

Bob the builder has been sacked as they can no longer trust any childrens' TV star who claims to be able to fix it.

Cheers - John C

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw an oasis far off . Hoping to find water, he stumbled toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £10
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I not want over-priced tie. I need water! I come back and kill you, must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "So you do not want to buy a tie and you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
Go over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need.

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......"

They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!”

Cheers - John C

Catholic Parrotts.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed.

Then he thought for a moment..... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase... in no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!'

Cheers - John C

A Blonde goes to Heaven.
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds..'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven..?
... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

Cheers - John C
Probably the fastest, best looking goalkeeper in  the West Country
Not many people  know that when I was a few years younger I joined an animal rescue group and volunteered to spend a few months in Africa protecting the African Antelope.   
The work was very rewarding and this video of me is over 20 years old.
Golfers Lament
needs Powerpoint viewer plus sound
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
You made her chain too long
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven
What women find sexy!
Old Chinese Proverb

Confucius say, "If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the......
Another memory stick has been found at the Swan. Do you recognise this personal photo. Will be discreet!!!
Wanted - Good woman
New seat belt
Human control box
Put the spark back into your relationship!
Sex Life
The difference between Men & Women

Heavy falls of snow are again forecast and I wanted to warn you of this scam. Please be on the lookout for this pair in case they appear at your door.
They offered to shovel the snow from my driveway for only £10. Not ten minutes into the job they were at my door complaining about being cold. They said they wanted to come in to my house and get warm for a while.
Well, three hours later, they ended up leaving without finishing the driveway. I didn't get anything done around the house because I was afraid to take my eyes off of them.
Please don't let this happen to you!

Fortunately, I took their picture before they left so you should be able to identify them if they call on you. If these two appear on your doorstep, don't say you weren't warned!

Cheers - Cares
The Penguin Joke
How can you determine the sex of a bird?
needs Powerpoint viewer
Family planning
How fast can you guess these words?

Cheers - 007
That's life!
Sometimes, we try too hard to get to the greener pastures.
In the process, we end up in trouble........

And when you find yourself in trouble and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should
always remember.......

Not everyone who shows up.......
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you too.'
Cheers - 007
Brains - a comparison



Cheers - Cares

Cheers - Cares

Who says that women golfers are at a disadvantage compared to men?
Matching lavender outfit: £2,000
New pair of French sunglasses: £100
Nike products endorsements: £10,000,000

Men in Training

Cheers - Cares
New Washing Label instructions
New Car Park:

With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Bristol City Council has established a 'Women Only' car park at the Cribbs Causeway Shopping Centre.
Even the car park attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Below is the first picture available of this world-first women-only car park in the United Kingdom
Cheers - 007
Raffa flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football.
He is suitably impressed and arranges for him to join the squad at Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello Mum, guess what?' he says (in an Iraqi accent). 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media - they all love me'.
'Wonderful,' says his Mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young lad is very upset, 'What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his Mum, 'It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!'
Why I fired my Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday !
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me?
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch...

Boll**k naked

Cheers - Cares

Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!'

And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end
Cheers - Cares

Women Drivers - 2009 Parking awards

Cheers - Cares

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Bristol , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Cheers - Cares
And you thought you had a crap job?!
Boob job
Cheers - 007
Model sues Mexican surgeon for not making her nipples "even" after a breast impant.
Ms.Segovia says she plans to contact her lawyer and file a lawsuit in the National Court of Justice Mexico.
Dr Bavaria says he sees nothing wrong with Ms. Segovia's breasts.
"Hell - they look perfectly normal to me, I don't understand what all the fuss is about!"
Glasses Required?
Cheers - 007
Look carefully at the following picture: next:
When men were men
Cheers - 007
The Man Rules
At last a bloke has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear " the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1.. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both..
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer
you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as football or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
Woman's skull found
Summer T-Shirts
2009 Blonde Calendar
Source: Cares - needs Powerpoint viewer
Do you Know the difference??
Source: Cares - needs Powerpoint viewer


*        If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
*        If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


*        When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
*        When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


*        A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
*        A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

*        A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel .
*        The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

*        A woman has the last word in any argument.
*        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


*        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.   
*        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


*        A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
*        A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


*        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
*        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


*        A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bin, answer the phone, read a  book, and get the mail.
*        A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


*        Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*        Women somehow deteriorate during the night. (God how true!)


*        Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
*        A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


A married man should forget his mistakes. 
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Cheers - 007
What goes wrong when someone who is ESL (english as a second language) writes the punch line for Gaviscon... 

Cheers - 007
A few golfing jokes
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, 'You are spectacular and your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?'
Mickelson replied, 'The holes are numbered.'
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, 'What are you going to use on this hole my son?'
The young man said, 'An 8 iron, father. How about you?'
The priest said, ' I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.'
The young man hit his 8 iron and put the ball on the green.
The priest topped his 7 iron and dribbled the ball out a few yards.
The young man said, 'I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.'
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asked, 'Ma'am, is that your husband?'
'Yes' says the woman.
'Did you hit him with that golf club?'
'Yes, yes, I did.' The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and puts her hands on her face.
'How many times did you hit him?'
'I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... Just put me down for a five '
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him!

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, 'Are you a good golfer'?
To which the man replied: 'Got here in two, didn't I ?!?! '
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said: 'What are your golf clubs doing here'?
He looked her right in the eye and said, 'This isn't going to take all day, is it ?!?!

Cheers - 007
New beer soon to be sold at the Swan??
Cheers - 007
The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

V. Gina

Cheers - 007
I see Monica Lewinsky's back!
Cheers - 007
Al Quaeda have hidden bombs in supermarkets inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti soup.
Police have said that if they go off , they could spell Disaster!!
Cheers - Cares
A WARNING TO ALL MEN!!!.... Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be on more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from women. There is a date-rape drug going round called 'beer' and it appears in liquid form. The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to persuade male victims to have sex with them. 'Beer' is virtually available virtually anywhere. All a woman has to do is persuade a guy to consume a few pints of 'beer' and simply ask him for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against such attacks. After several 'beers' men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally attracted to. Men often wake up after having 'beer' with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before – just a vague feeling that something had occurred. At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'. Apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the 'beer' has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked. However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male 'support groups' where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected victims. For your nearest support group, look up 'taverns' in the yellow pages. For a video to see how beer works click here:

Cheers - Stoney C
Have you ever wondered what cup sizes A - F really meant??
Cheers - Stoney C - needs Powerpoint viewer
What's the difference between a wife and a prostitute?
One's contract, the other's pay-as you-go

One day a priest was walking by a river and saw a frog on a lily pad.
Help me, croaked the frog, once I was a beautiful choirboy but an evil witch turned me into a frog.
The only way to reverse the spell is for me to spend the night in the bed of a deeply religious man.
The priest took pity on the frog and took it home, placing it gently in his bed.
The next morning, lo and behold, in the place of the frog there was a beautiful choirboy.
And that your honour, concludes the case for the defence.

Cheers - Mike P
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the £5,000. She gives him back his £5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erec
tions and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Cheers - 007
Remember the days of good, wholesome food; little boys on bikes climbing cobbled streets with a basket full of Hovis loaves; John and Fanny Craddock with one of the first televised teach-yourself to cook programs?
Well this is an ad from that time of sweet innocence and simple pleasures!
Cheers - Paul O
Don't tell me Soldiers aren't brave - this made me weep
Cheers - GI

T-shirts etc

Checkout your car's air conditioning First - set up the controls Second - install the testing unit
Advice for ladies section
Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys...

Cheers - 007
Man says to his wife: darling what would you do if I said won the lottery?
Wife replies: I would take half, then leave you
Man replies: excellent, - I had three numbers and won a tenner, here's a fiver
now get lost!
Dear Jonathan Ross - "I've screwed your daughter.
Who's laughing now..."
lots of love - Gary Glitter X
Blokes Corner husband of the year awards.

In conjunction with "Male Chauvinist Pig" magazine - click on image

Source: Scary - needs Powerpoint viewer
Would you do me a big favour?
I know everyone is probably asking you, but could you lend me your face for Halloween?
cheers Mike (Povey)
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower - the other 15% haven't been to prison yet!

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They've bought 5 million tons of sand from the arabs and they are going to drill for their own oil!

A vampire bat arrives back at the roost with  his face full of blood.
All the bats get excited and asks where he got it from.
"Follow me" he says.
Off they flew over hills and dales, valleys and hills and into the dark forest.
Suddenly he stops "See that tree over there" he says
"Yes" they say

cheers Mike (Povey)
Husband accompanies his wife to a school reunion.
He says " Christ, who's that pissed-up bloke asleep on the couch?"
She says "that's my ex, we split up 15 years ago and he hasn't stopped drinking since"

Husband replies "Christ, how long can one bloke go on celebrating for?"
Holiday snaps
from Messrs. Seward and Dangerous holidaying in Florida.

You go all that way to get away from the Swan regulars and guess who you meet?

Stay on Target

don't think the RAF would appreciate it if one of their typhoons displayed this...

contribution form Paul
Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick "someone has stolen your car!"
Mick says "Did you see who did it?"
Paddy says "no, but I got the registration number!!"
An 83 year old pensioner has been sexually assaulted with a hoover nozzle and left for dead.
Police say she is in intensive care, but she is picking up nicely!
I was in B&Q the other day pushing my trolley around when I collided with a young guy pushing his trolley.
I said to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The young guy said, That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
I said, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? '
The young guy said, 'Well, she is 22 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs. She's wearing tight jeans, a tiny white t-shirt and no bra.

What does your wife look like?'

I said, 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'

contribution form G.I.
Man asks wife what she would like for her birthday.
She looks out of the window at the Porsche parked on next doors drive and says "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds"
So he went out and bought her a set of bathroom scales!
If booze is bad for you, why did Jesus turn water into wine?
Beer Study
No wonder the groom  is smiling!
contribution form G.I.
Signs that you may have had too much to drink


If women ruled the world
If women ruled the world
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
If women ruled the world
How do you fix a woman's watch? - It doesn't matter. There is a clock on the oven....

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? - She starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."...
My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" - I said, "Dust!"...

Why do women have smaller feet than men? - It allows them to stand closer to the sink....

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. - Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A wish is granted 

More Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

11.  Beer never has a headache.
12.  After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth something
13.  A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
14.  If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
15.  You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
16.  A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
17.  You can share a beer with your friends.
18.  You always know that you are the first one to have a beer.
19.  A beer is always wet.
20.  beer doesn't demand equality.

Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Women

1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you chuck it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer tops come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a pub, you can always pick up a beer.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? - The sex is the same but the dishes pile up
How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it
Why do women close their eyes during sex? - They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? - A women who won't do what she's told.
Why did the woman cross the road?  - That's not the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
What is the difference between a battery and a woman? - A battery has a positive side
How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb? - 4,1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group
How many women does it take to change a light bulb? - 11, 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it..
In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. 

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this………….. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Sounds good to me.


"Cheers" G.I. - bases upon that premise - a few of the Swan regulars ought to be contestants for Mastermind or The Brain of Britain!

The question is, What does a 23st woman look like?

Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 23st looks like....
Traffic Question
Most men will get this right! 
Q:   You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and you come upon a bicycle rider. Do you:
Follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or   
(b) Do you break the law and pass?
     Which is the correct choice?
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

cheers G.I.
As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Wearing what can only be describes as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this persons condition.
Some people turned to stare.
Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling some long ago priest who made an admonition to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a

hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out!'
Growing older

New Mouse designed for Women

After many years of research, scientists have discovered that women do not like the standard mouse given away with PC's. Scientists found that there is not a physical reason for their aversion; it is more of a psychological problem. Some women reported that their mouse "just didn't feel right" in their hands. Based on the research, a new mouse has been designed especially for women
Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Source: Stoney C.
A man rang the local newspaper
to place an obituary for his wife who had recently died.
He only had a pound and could afford only 3 words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead".
The clerk felt sorry for him and paid for him to have 3 more words.
He wrote "Margaret is dead - Fiesta for sale"
How to determine a bird's sex
Source: Scary, needs Microsoft Powerpoint Viewer and sound
How men's underwear should be advertised
Source: Scary, needs Windows media player and sound
Why Married Women OvereatWhy are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Ultimate Female Body piercing. Not for the faint hearted!!!
Men all over the country are urging their wives and sweethearts to get this 'chic' procedure. The private clinic waiting list in the country now exceeds 10,000 so get in quick. In special cases it can be funded with a NHS/marriage guidance grant.
Many men feel it is well worth it
What is the difference between a golf ball and the G-spot? - a bloke will take ten minutes looking for a golf ball
Harley Davidson have released two new models for 2008

courtesy of Cares - Women's' rights campaigner

 Male Model

Female Model

You have just walked out of the church after your  delightful wedding ceremony and on the church steps, both your families are applauding you with a hundred friends gathered around. The photographer raises his camera and following your family's tradition,  both of you are holding beautiful live white doves which you will release together. Bride and groom stand happily shoulder to shoulder with a dove gently held in both hands as everyone eagerly awaits the climax of your marriage vows.  The photographer gives the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky and release the doves as a symbol of your eternal love. Not a dry eye anywhere, such a moving sight, the camera flashes and the moment is captured for all eternity.............

A husband and wife are shopping in a supermarket when the man picks up a crate of lager and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for 12 cans", he says.
"Put them back, we can't afford it" says the wife, and they continue shopping.
A little later, the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful" she says
"So do 12 cans of lager and it's half the price" the man replies
Definition of a mistress - something between a mister and a mattress
A guy arrives home with a Duck under his arm and announces, "This is the pig I've been screwing all these years when you're not up for it."
His wife says, "I think you'll find that's not a pig, that's a Duck."
The man replies, "I think you will find I wasn't talking to you."

cheers Paul

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