Swan Golf Society was
formed back in the early 1990's and organise various society days out during the
year, along with the infamous 4 day tour in May ( going to Vilamoura in 2014).
We also play other pubs and currently hold the Swan v Essex salver which is
proudly displayed behind the bar (next to the golfing owl)! Current score Swan 4
Essex 0 (update - this was nicked by Coops and is currently up at the Essex)
Fixtures on the
calendar include the summer golf day at the end of August (usually the Sunday
before the Bank Holiday), where the usual rubbish prizes are there to be won.
Quite a few of the regulars in the Swan are golfers and are members of local
Maradonna - Nasty little five footer.
An Adolf Hitler - Taking two shots in a bunker
An O.J. Simpson - Somehow got away with it
A Kate Moss - A bit thin
A Salman Rushdie - An impossible read
A Rock Hudson - Thought it was straight, but it wasn't
The Durex shot - sexy, if you can pull it off.
A Gerry Adams - provisional
A Tony Blair - a bad lie
The Mrs Robinson shot - you
should not be taking it on but it just looks so very tempting.
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Elvis - caught in a trap
A Dennis Wise - Another nasty little five footer.
A Paula Radcliffe - Ugly,
but a good runner
A Kate Winslett - A bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Sister-in-law - Up there but I know that I shouldn't be
Putting like a gynaecologists assistant - Shaving the hole.
A Ladyboy - Looks like an easy hole but all may not be what it
A Monica Lewinsky - All lip no hole
A Glen Miller - didn't get over the water
A Son-in-law" - not what you wanted, but it'll do
A Cuban - needed one more revolution
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Douglas Bader - no legs
Spot the ball competition
Ten Best Caddy Responses .
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
in one club
After another hole in one, we have received an email from Mr Knowles
which asks us to :
that Messrs Seward & Dangerous are yet to achieve
(still valid Aug 2016)
Current members of
this exclusive club:
Messrs. C Stone (three times), Carey, Short, Knowles (twice), Bryant (three
times), Ford, 007 (anyone else?)
Swan open has a new winner after a high scoring day all
round at a forgiving Woodlands. Andy Rowe prevailed scoring
45 pts off 18 with Jimmy Jenkins pushing him all the way
scoring 44 off 12.
As both were in the same team they
won that as well along with Ian Vickery and Phil Chea with a
magnificent team score of 128 pts. September 2016
Swan Golf Tour 5/6/7 May 2016 - La Cala Golf Resort Spain
Swan Golf Tour
2015 - Albufeira
The Swan Open Golf Day - 24 August 2014
Swan Open recently held at Tracy Park golf course, was hailed a
huge success by all competitors, with special praise for the
organisation and transportation .
This years event was keenly contested with many staking a claim
for the coveted title, Without the likes of previous winner Rich
Carey and messers Riley, Ford, Sheppard, Dew and Thomas it was a
very open competition. The competition was geared up for someone
like Mogg, Knowles, Chea, Goodwin or Locke to burst from the
pack to clinch victory with their rather generous handicaps.
It was, however, late entrant Stu Roley who took the spoils
shooting a brilliant 37 pts off of 4. Andy Rowe came runner up
with a 35pts.
No team event this year due to numbers, but there were 5 nearest
the pins won by Andy Rowe, Jon Billingham, Rob Pymm, Paul Lewis
and it wouldn’t be a Swan golf day without Nick Seward also
picking up a prize.
Unfortunately Stu was unable to collect his trophy so Pete
Ferris accepted on his behalf.
Swan Golf Tour
2014 - Vilamoura
The Swan Open - 25
August 2013 - Dewstow Golf Club
Golf Tour 2013 - Hampshire
Sunday 26 Aug
- Cares wins the old putter
We apologise for the
poor quality of the pictures, but Coops reckons it was
the camera at fault!!
Swan Golf Tour Hampshire 2012
Swan Xmas blow out 2011
Wednesday 28th December 2011
magic bus leaves 9.30
Coffee on arrival, 2 course carvery
Stop on way back tba - early evening
Swan Summer Open 2011 for the old putter
28th August 2011
Tour 2011 details Thurs 12th May until Sunday 15th
May TOUR DEPOSITS
Isle of Purbeck
Woods Steak Pie
The Mendip Golf Club 2 course Dinner
Swan Shirehampton Golf Day Friday March 4th 2011- magic bus leaves 10.30, numbers limited
Bacon roll & coffee on arrival,
Chefs roast of the day, strawberry cheesecake
A sightseeing trip in Clifton early evening
Full course details - follow link on right
Swan Xmas blow out 2010
Tuesday 28th December 2010 magic bus leaves 9.30, numbers
Coffee on arrival, 2 course carvery
Keynsham at Christmas - early evening
Swan Summer Open 2010 for the old putter
29th August 2010
(Sunday before Bank Holiday Monday)
numbers limited - BBQ back at the Swan - Joe collecting names
Tour 2010 details Thurs 6th May
until Sunday 9th May
Playing at Bramshaw Golf Club on the Manor Course.
Full English Bramshaw breakfast on arrival. 18
holes of golf.
Playing at Dudsbury Golf Course. 18 holes of
golf. Plus Ham Egg & chips
Playing Meyrick Park Golf Club
18 holes of golf. Plus Lamb roast dinner.
Playing Bath Golf Course (Sham Castle)
18 holes of Golf. Plus Roast beef dinner &
shows how to cope with a tricky lie!
26th Feb 2010
coffee & bacon roll
homemade steak pie
chips & peas
Dangerous presents the old putter
to 2009 winner - The Mayor
Terry, Derek & Nick
The Swan Golf Tour 2009 - 14th
May - 17th May - Bournemouth
The 2009 tour was a great success. Good courses, good accommodation, great
weather, and a coach that actually turned up. The new up and coming
travel company ‘Dangerous tours’ have been requested to organise the
golf tour for next year. After speaking to most of the people who went
last year, they would like to go for one last year at Bournemouth
playing 4 new courses. It will include 3 nights accommodation, a coach
and driver, and 4 rounds of golf. As Brian
& Coops were first to pay the balance last year, I am sure that they
will lead by example again this year?
Deposit of £100 will be required by 1st October 2008.
Balance must be paid by 1st February
However, the sooner, the
see Jamie Knowles, Mark Bryant, or Joe behind the bar to pay any money.
places automatically go to the people who went last year, however if you
are interested please speak to Jamie or Mark in case people drop out
Spring Golf Day - Friday 20th March 2009 "The 2010 Ryder Cup experience"
The hills were alive with the sound of sheep, as the Swan dirty dozen
made their way to the home of Welsh golf.
Twelve men taking on the big 2010 Ryder Cup course.
As we arrived, our own personal Welsh man collected our sticks and took
us to our own personal lockers. To say the clubhouse and its
surroundings were a bit posh is an understatement, but at least the
Mayor felt at home. Look at the view said the Mayor, where's the bar (?)
said a couple of others. I don't think Monty would have been to
impressed with our warm up, but why change the habits of a life time.
After a couple of throat stretchers, it was down to the practice area
for a another type of warm up. The starter asked puffer his tactics to
master the course. He replied - if the balls going forward it's another
shot nearer the bar! Wise words from the master of disaster.
The teams were drawn and battle was about to commence. The first
fourball out were Shorty, Puffer, Dangerous & Moggy D - nicknamed
numptys by the landlord. They were followed by the dream team of Lewy,
Rowey, Fordy & Care's. The last four to go out were Moggy J, the Mayor,
Pimmy & the mighty golfing legend Seward.
It took about 5 hours to get round but would have been quicker if lime
green boy had not jumped in - but then again if you pay £3.500 to join
you can do anything you want.
As the teams were sat on the balcony after their rounds, tales of wonder
shots came out, like the dream team all winning free rounds by hitting
the 10th green. Care's getting over the water in two on the par 5 18th -
only 545 yards! Shorty hitting a straight shot for once to win longest
drive & Dangerous just being dangerous.
Who won I hear you cry - of course team numpty took the team prize,
Shorty won the longest banana drive, Rowey nearest the pin and overall
winner was that well know golfing guru Puffer with a total score of 32
Overall the opinion of the guys was the course was not in the greatest
of nick, but it was nice to say that we had played on the hollowed turf
and lost balls with the best of them.
After a hearty meal of mega portions it was back on the coach and off to
a choice of venues - St Mary Redcliffe church for a evening of brass
rubbing & organ cleaning, or a pub crawl of Hotwells (near God's
country), First stop the Nova Scotia, a nice little quiet
establishment that served a nice drop of rat tail cider. Over the road
to the Pump House for more rat tail cider, and then on to the Rose of
Denmark for some more rat tail cider. In the two hours, we had many a
laugh. Like the regular in the Nova who said he had drink rat tail all
his life and never been sick, shat himself a few times but never had
been sick, Spoofing in the Pump House and the Mayor tracking down a
piano in the Rose of Denmark and keeping the boys happy with playing his
full playlist from his no 1 album "Derek Duval plays - you hum it I'll
play it sing-along jive bunny stars on 45 mega party mix".
It was then back on the coach and heading back for Gerry's prices (thank
God £4 a pint at the Celtic Manor). There was still time for a quick
rendition of the top download song of the month "and Seward says you won
f-all". Joe said his farewells and the boys finished the night singing
away to Warren and thinking - where did it all go wrong - happy days.
A couple of quotes from the day:
"i dedicate that win for the common people of
Lower Hanham and surrounding area's" - Dave "Puffer" Riley.
"anyone know a good piano
tuner?" - Derek "The Mayor"
"not gin again Shorty"
- Rich "mothers ruin" Carey.
"I loves this rat tail
cider - I can drink it all night" -
Mark "home by nine" (Dangerous) Bryant.
"best golf day ever,
Knowlsie" - Nick "golfing robot -
the wheels have come off" Seward
Great day out, thanks to the boys who
did the leg work once again. One things for sure you always know Swan
golf days are great days and it beats working ? happy days
yours in sport puffer.
6 weeks till tour. even happier days!!
Thanks Big Man, a career (non-paying) awaits you in journalism - DB
Longest Drive -
Nearest the pin
Winner - Puffer
Winter 2 Golf Day
at "The Batch"
Longest Drive -
Nearest the pin
The Swan Winter Golf Day - Monday 29th December 2008
Cumberwell Golf Club
Controversy - who
nicked the cracker? First the good news.
Twenty four hardy golfers met at 7.45 for a course briefing at the Swan,
before leaving on the coach for Cumberwell Golf Club. The weather being
cold but bearable, a good day was had by all apart from Mr. Seward who was
somewhat miffed because his banker source of income i.e. the individual prize,
was not staged this year. A suitable song/chant was composed for the occasion!
Cards were drawn for the groupings, and the quartet of The Judge,
Spenney, Kev and James won the
competition with a total of 46 points. Longest drive produced a shock
result when Dangerous out drove everyone else. Hedgey won nearest the
pin on a rock hard 7th hole. It being Danny's birthday, he presented the
prizes. The day was finished off with a stop on the way back and a
Karaoke session at the Swan. Now the bad news The Swan Golf Society is rightly proud of its reputation of being
impeccably behaved when on society days. Many Golf clubs have commented
on our standard of conduct and behaviour, along with our unwavering
dedication to boosting their bar income. With this in mind, we totally
refute any accusations of theft. Admittedly, there was a large room next
to ours which was set out for the New Years Eve dinner/dance, but we are
totally confident no-one from our Society nicked a cracker from a
If necessary we'll get that lawyer who got O J Simpson off several years
ago to fight our case.
Let them produce their evidence!!
Email from Mr. Carey "Dangerous and Seward finding good use for the bin on the 17th at The
Players on Wed."
the Dick! Spotted
in the Woo-Woo bar on a recent visit to The Molesworth Inn at Wadebridge -
this pic for will jog the memories of tour members!!